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Pillows On Parenting
practical advice on being a better parent
by Rabbi Uri Pilichowski
student of the parenting master - his kids' mother
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“Nicknames, making fun, and simply insulting”
Naming a child is one of the most defining moments in a parents career. Different people give different names for different reasons. Some will name their child after a relative that has passed away, others after a great biblical or rabbinic persona, and yet others after a concept they would like their children to emulate.
No matter where a parent takes their child's name from, every parent wishes that the name they chose will act as a model and example for their children. One thing you wont find is a parent that purposefully chooses a name that will be a source of shame or embarrassment for our children. No one names their child after the deceased uncle who was a thief. We don’t find little Jewish children named Paroah or steal.
Knowing that no parent knowingly saddles their children with traumatic names, it is curious that with no compunction parents will give their children derogatory nicknames. Without hesitation, parents will call their kids "twerp," "criminal," and "shorty." To parents these names are terms of endearment, but to a child they can be confusing monikers, seeming insults meant to hurt, delivered by the very people who are to only deliver love.
Similar to sarcasm (see my article) a parent has a keener understanding of vocabulary and syntax than a child does. Borne of experience from decades of communication, an adult can differentiate between an insult delivered out of love and an insult delivered from a place of hate. Without understanding built from experience, the child is incapable of differentiating the endearing insult from the hurtful one.
Parents must be aware of their child's inability to determine that the horrific name they've just been called - in public! - by their most beloved guardian in this world is meant to express love, and not hate. This should hopefully deter, or at least give pause to any parent who wants to call their child a nickname.
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